I’m a big advocate for keeping the passion alive in long-term relationships, but I’m also a realist: life often becomes busy, and “stuff” gets in the way of a good old-fashioned fuck.
So how do we keep our sex lives a priority?
I know some of the honeymooners out there might be skeptical, but the reality is, long-term relationships will at some stage experience a lull when it comes to sex. Life somehow seems to get in the way—kids, financial stresses, work commitments, death of loved ones, arguments, the list goes on.
Mismatched sexual drives is a common challenge, and you’re not alone.
If the solution to a stalled sexual relationship was simple, then we’d all be a lot healthier and happier. In truth, fixing a diminished sexual connection can be challenging: returning to the sex-filled relationship that once-was, can be tricky.
So how can we renew our sex lives? I personally believe sprucing up sexual matters is about reinventing our sexual selves, and not dwelling on how it used to be. It is important to communicate with our partners about what we want, what we desire and then make a joint commitment to move forward. (Avoid negativity, or complaining about what isn’t working.)
Sex is healthy and natural and a great way to connect. It should be at the forefront of our priorities, a regular occurrence and a powerful experience.
With this in mind here are 4 simple tips to get the ball rolling:
1. Start at the very beginning: Kissing.
In long-term relationships we often become complacent and take kissing our loved one for granted. Kissing is reduced down to a tiny peck on the lips (if that) and it’s not often that time is made for a passionate, lingering kiss. So next time you kiss, hold that kiss a little longer, let it linger. Taste your lover. Relax, keep kissing and don’t stop. Did you know kissing can lead to a natural high? When we kiss, dopamine is release, making us feel pleasure and desire.
2. Sleep naked.
Sleeping naked next to each other means we are forced to engage in at least a small amount of daily skin-to-skin contact. Sleeping naked may not result in an instant return of your sex-drive, but it’s a great start to more intimacy and closeness with your partner.
3. Put away your phone.
Schedule time without the ongoing distraction of social media, text messages and emails. Our phones have become a huge distraction and it’s not uncommon for a couple to sit side-by-side on the couch scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, instead of spending quality time looking at and speaking to each other. Schedule at least one night a week where it’s just the two of you—without distractions. Again, this is not an instant fix for a sexless relationship, but it is a great start in simple intimacy, and connecting with your lover.
4. Try something new.
When we have re-connected and start to feel like we actually might want to have sex, it’s really important that we don’t revert back to old habits. (By “old habits,” I mean slipping into usual routines.) Don’t rush the experience! Try some role-play, a different position, or a different room of the house. If you usually turn the lights out, leave a light on. (Or if feeling particularly shy, candlelight is sexy and enhances the mood!) Most importantly, take your time.
As sexual beings our sex lives are an ever-changing journey of exploration and new experiences. Think outside the box and try something new that excites you both—you never know where that may lead!
This article was published on Elephant Journal on the 9th August, 2014.