Lately I’ve received a lot of questions from readers and clients about how to survive break ups … so I thought I’d write about how I personally survived a break up last year.
Firstly, a little background … we were together for nearly 5 years. Madly in love. And yet there were a few key things that just weren't working for us in our relationship. After a lot of therapy and ‘working on it’, I decided the best thing we could do for each other at the time was to end our relationship. And that’s what we did.
Our intention was not to disappear from each other’s lives for good; our intention was to re-design our relationship and transform it into a healthy and loving friendship. But we knew that for this to happen, we needed some time out to process the breakup and find our feet without each other.
So there I was, single again at age 34. Initially I went through a ‘free’ feeling … a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I felt like the world was my oyster. Then the cloud of reality set in, and I began to grieve the loss of my lover, my best friend, the step-parent of my child, my business advisor, my everything … it all disappeared and I felt a little lost, to say the least.
So, here’s my top 7 tips on how to survive a breakup (based on what I did to survive my own):
#1 Bring it back to YOU
Your relationship with yourself should always be your top priority, especially when you are going through a break up. So, it’s time to bring the focus back to what you want, what you need, and what makes you feel happy. For me, that meant I surrounded myself with amazing, supportive friends who got it and understood how shitty it can feel to be going through a breakup. I threw myself into activities that excited me - dance evenings, Tantra workshops, dinners with friends etc. Stuff that inspired me to get out and environments that were high vibration energetically.
And on the days I felt like shit, and felt unmotivated to pick myself back up, I asked myself ‘How can I best LOVE myself right now?’, and that question always helped me to re-focus. Perhaps for you loving yourself is lying in bed with Netflix all day, or taking yourself to your Mum’s house for the weekend, or going to a party … whatever it is, only do stuff that is going to make you feel loved and supported.
#2 Create a set routine
When going through a break up we can tend to get caught up in the drama and heart-break and wind up in a mess. Routine flies out the window and we don’t know which day it is, let alone what we are doing with our life. So, the biggest thing that helped me was to grab a weekly planner from Kiki K and plan out my week in advance. Planning my week gave me structure, and helped me focus on the stuff that was working in my life. In my weekly routine I always made set times and days for work, exercise, & coffee dates with friends.
#3 Get a coach or therapist
I seriously COULD NOT have survived my breakup without my coach. She literally was a life saver! Every week I had a 1 hour session with her via Skype whereby I could talk about how I was feeling and map out how I was going to get through the next week. She would keep me accountable with my weekly routine, and also help me drop into my vulnerability and allow me to truly feel the pain I was feeling at the loss of my partner.
#4 Create a daily ritual
Ritual is super important in day-to-day life … it creates time and space for us to manifest what we want and drop into how we are feeling. During the first couple of months following my breakup I woke up every single morning and meditated. I set up a beautiful space in my spare room where I would sit. I lit a candle. I burnt sage and palo santo (see my ritual kit), I put on meditation music (see my Spotify meditation playlist). I ran my kundalini energy in my body. I sang mantras. I danced. I did this for at least 20 minutes and it was life-changing and set the mood for my day.
#5 Block your ex on ALL social media, and get them to block you
This may sound extreme, but it’s not. The absolute best and fastest way to get through a break up is to NOT see your ex pop up in social media feeds 24/7. Seriously, this is going to f*ck you up big time. My ex and I agreed that we would block each other so as to avoid ‘stalking’ each other and doing our heads in. This helped SO much because there is NOTHING WORSE than stalking an ex’s Instagram profile and putting stories to the images they are posting.
If you’re stalking your ex’s social media, STOP. RIGHT. NOW. When you next go to do it, ask yourself ‘How can I best LOVE myself right now?’ … I guarantee someone who loves and respect themselves is NOT going to stalk their ex’s social media.
#6 Tell all friends and family that they are banned from talking about your ex
When I broke up with my ex I of course still loved and cared about them … but I also didn’t want all the details about what they were up to. For some reason friends and family wanted to give me updates (because they knew we wanted to stay friends) … but at the time hearing those updates about my ex sent me into a spiral of sadness and trigger. So I sent a text to all friends and family and requested that until further notice, they weren’t to mention my ex’s name (unless I asked). Everyone respected my request and it made things a lot easier.
#7 Exercise and eat great food
Daily exercise is essential, or at least 4 times a week! I recommend fast walking, that’s my preferred way of getting out and moving my body. Put a podcast on, or listen to uplifting music. Exercise makes us feel good! And trust me, you want to be feeling good if you’re doing through a breakup.
Eat healthy, nourishing food to support your system and mental health. It’s easy to let go of eating well when we are stressed, but I assure you that now is NOT the time to eat shit. I made heaps of smoothie bowls because they were easy and all nutritious.
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