Lately I’ve been feeling like less sex and intimacy than usual, which bothers me. What bothers me more is that instead of taking ownership of my low libido, I realised I’ve been blaming my partner and playing the victim. Victim mentality is dangerous - victim mentality is when a person tends to regard him or herself as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave like it were the case—even in the absence of clear evidence.
In my case, I was blaming her and saying that it was because of her that we weren’t having sex. Really what I should have been saying is that my libido is low, I’m not communicating what I truly need, and I take ownership of the lull in our sex life. And, as soon as I had this realisation (thank goodness for therapy!), I felt empowered to make a change and dive deeper into what’s stopping me from wanting sex.
So, what was stopping me? The truth is I hadn’t been putting myself first, and I hadn’t been setting boundaries with my partner, and my child. I also hadn’t been prioritising the primary purpose in my relationship with my partner, which is to be lovers, first and foremost.
Realising these truths literally rejuvenated my libido overnight. How? Setting clear boundaries with my partner and child gave me the freedom to breath. An example of a boundary is when you tell someone how you want to be treated. For example, I’ve requested that my daughter practices an ‘attitude-of-gratitude’, that ‘no-means-no’, and that there is no complaining to be had in our household. These are clear boundaries that create more peace in our household, therefore creating more harmony in my body to allow my sexual energy to restore and grow. An example of a boundary with my partner is requesting that she listens and holds a safe space for me to express my emotion when I need to talk about sensitive stuff (instead of getting defensive and argumentative). This gives me an opportunity to express what I need and desire, and know that it won’t turn into a full-blown argument.
My partner and I have also re-negotiated the purpose of our relationship. Generally when couples first meet, it’s all about the sex and romance…then work takes over, kids take over, life-in-general takes over…and we find ourselves relying on each other for absolutely everything and not prioritising the main purpose of our relationship, which is to be lovers. When we realised that we hadn’t been on-purpose within our relationship, we put things in place to make sure that from now on we prioritise this area of our relationship. This means no more talking about work at night-time. We’ve set a new rule…no phones or ‘work talk’ after 5pm. That conversation immediately shifted the energy in our relationship, and magically my libido has returned and I’m craving intimacy and sex again.
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