Women On Top is an interview series that features everyday women from around the globe and asks them straight-to-the-point questions about their sexuality. Women On Top aims to inspire and grow a community of women who learn and grow from each other's sexual stories and wisdom. This week I interviewed Erica about how Tantra has changed her sex life, her love of her Yoni, how trauma has affected her sexual choices, and her love of midday sex.
Everyone. All of it. The limit does not exist. What body someone has been in has never really phased me. As corny as it sounds, I'm into souls. Like if connecting with you makes me feel like I’m lit up like a christmas tree, chances are I find you attractive.
Student. Blogger. All round babe. Plus I study public relations, politics and international studies.
What was the message your mother gave you about sex as a little girl?
My mum is a nurse, so it was mostly quite clinical. “This goes in here.” “A goes in B and not C… C is an out hole.” “This is what herpes looks like, always use protection." You know, normal stuff. The only other thing she really stressed was the first time. She really cemented the idea that I needed to love someone before I could connect with them physicallyand that the first time was a big deal etc. I think I have carried that belief with me and slightly modified it. I have to have a strong connection with someone before I'll be intimate with them. It's really helped me honour myself. I love that she taught me that.
Can you identify a moment when you feel you officially entered womanhood?
Definitely when I started Tantra and really learnt about connecting my sexual energy to my heart, and the power that comes with that. I felt a real shift in myself, I could hold myself and blossom at the same time. I wish there was a big light bulb moment where I could actually feel like I had adopted that energy into myself fully. There were times when I was like “wow I’m still such a kid”, and womanhood just appeared to be this mystical thing off in the distance. I don’t know when I officially entered, I guess I just know that I’m here now.
How important do you believe it is to embrace your sexuality as a woman?
How important is air? I don’t know, maybe like an 11/10.
There's a massive power in sexuality, thats why I think its so taboo. Like all things that fulfil us or give us a sense of self, its all put into the “ no go zone” of society. Sexuality is all tied into our passion and anger and drive. Embracing it means that you embrace yourself, which is empowering as fuck. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that our sexuality should be used as a weapon. I just firmly believe that if you are suppressing parts of yourself, or not embracing all of yourself, you are suppressing your true power. So, I think when we embrace our sexuality and own our pleasure, its a really powerful move. It frees you completely.
How important is self-pleasure to you?
Please refer to the above - 11/10. I think that making love to yourself should be something you do everyday, at least once. Learning to explore my body (and not just my clit) has changed the way I hold myself, what I think of my body, how I interact with people. The limitations I had on pleasure before I knew how to properly take the time to love my body is astounding. There's nothing like getting lost in yourself, learning how your body reacts to things, learning the ways that you would like to be made love to.
I guess that's the other half of why it's important to me. While I love to procrastin-bate and feel the rippling of pleasure on my own, it changes everything when you have sex if you know your body. How can you possibly expect anyone else to give you pleasure if you don’t even know what you like? I think it should be step one in any “how to have sex” manual. The best thing you can do for your sex life is learn what you like and how you like it, what your body feels like and how to find your own bliss.
What are three things you love about your body (that perhaps you've struggled with in the past)?
I love the base of my neck and my jawline - sensitive spots that are sorely underrated.
I love the way that my eyes shine and show everything I’m feeling. I love the colour of them and the silent communication that comes from eye gazing. There's such a powerful truth to your eyes being the window to the soul.
And I fucking love my yoni - it took me a long time to break social conditioning. I was the same as every other female. “Is this right?” “Am I normal?!” “God I hope that he doesn’t think it's weird!”. And it wasn’t until I had a moment where I was like, “It's all well and good what other people think, but what do I think of my body?”. And I made myself sit down in front of a mirror and sensually touch my body, taking note of what felt good, what I couldn’t look at myself doing, what make me uncomfortable. I did that until I reached a point where I was literally creating a vortex where I was turned on by watching myself be turned on. So, I guess now, I would say I highly appreciate and am so grateful for my yoni. Love, love, love my yoni. Bless her. Praise her. Worship her. I LOVE MY YONI MEOW.
What are three things you look for in a lover?
Oh thats a good question.
Safety for sure. I have experienced trauma before and that is a non negotiable for me. I need to feel safe before I will show any sort of vulnerability that comes with making love.
Power - but not over people, the sort that inspires. I love being around people who are just lit up by that passion and power. The sort that drives them and makes them stand up straight.
And the desire to keep learning and growing. Nothing hotter than someone who wants to keep growing, who wants to keep pursuing and who won’t stop going deeper with themselves … That then becomes a green light for them to go deeper within me.
What inspires you to make love and enjoy sex (either alone, or with a partner)?
What doesn’t would probably be a shorter list. Running my kundalini gets me going. Dancing to deep beats. Yoga. Massages. Good eye contact usually gets me too, the intimacy of it clicks something within me. Women dancing from their soul or expressing their anger or power inspires my inner goddess to make love. Breathing deeply. Good food. Cosmic conversation. Intellectual arguments.
Do you feel more inclined to enjoy sex at certain times of the day/month/year?
Midday sex is my favourite. Especially when it ends up turning into a sex-a-thon that lasts the afternoon. I just love knowing the sun is up while I’m having sex. I don’t know what it is. It could be as simple as it's satisfying knowing that everyone else is off doing deeds and I’m at home doing THE deed.
Do you have any particular women in your life who inspire you to be a sexually empowered woman?
Is it cheesy to say you? As in 'Juliet Allen'. Haha. Fuck it. You inspire me to be more sexually empowered. I love the way that you don’t use your sexuality as a weapon, but are simply doing what feels good and allowing your energy to run. I didn’t really know what I was missing until I was able to sit in a room and have a transmission of someone who isn’t afraid of their sexual power, or letting it run their life in an unhealthy way.
My best mate Kaitlin is usually a good inspiration for most things, this topic isn’t an exception. Really any woman who can sit in her power in a healthy way usually inspires me to be sexually empowered. So many of the women I have met through Tantra who can just hold a room with their sexual power on, without it feeling violating at all. Instead it just feels so inspiring and you just end up in awe of them, really appreciating how much sexual energy can be tied into power.
Do you have any reoccurring sexual fantasies? Tell us more:
I feel like its a lot of the normal stuff. Gender isn’t a restriction for me, so I think about threesomes a lot. I really like the thought of being in a room full of people making love and just being in that energy that would be created, and being able to make love in that. Other than that its a lot of the basic stuff, being tied up, blindfolded is always a good one, office sex, being worshiped by many people… but I can’t give it all away!
What rituals do you have for self-care and self-love?
I try to give myself a coconut oil massage at least once a week. Lighting candles and putting on some good music and just really getting lost in the feel of my body. I dance out my feelings at the end of the day - whatever that looks like, to whatever music I need. I always make sure I look at myself in the mirror whenever I'm naked, and just pour love into myself. I run my sexual energy a lot, and circle that back into my heart. I put myself in a situation where my bare feet get to be in dirt at least once a week too - I'd love to do that more.
The biggest way I love myself is that I won’t engage in anything that doesn’t feel good. I live by myself and I don’t have a partner, so it's easy for me to check in with myself and be like “nope that's not for me” and honour that without obligation. Sometimes figuring out what I want or if it feels good takes a while and I also allow that time to really process and figure it out. Then it takes no time to call something off or go in another direction. But that process itself would be the biggest thing I do for myself in terms of self-love; just trying to honour myself whenever I can.
How can people connect with you?
Website is essenceoferica.com