Women On Top is an interview series that features everyday women from around the globe and asks them straight-to-the-point questions about their sexuality. Women On Top aims to inspire and grow a community of women who learn and grow from each other's sexual stories and wisdom. This week I interviewed Kat about self-pleasure, becoming a mum at age sixteen, her experience of sexual abuse, the things she loves about her body, and her reoccurring sexual fantasy with a stranger.
Name: Katherine "Kat"
How insane that at age 29, I finally realised I was attracted to anyone with really great energy. I can find beauty in the being, rather than the gender, and it has been so incredible to see things in a new light. I have now been in a heterosexual marriage for a total of 14 years and have been facing the frequent urge to explore my sexuality more than ever before.
Occupation: Writer & Doula
What was the message your mother gave you about sex as a little girl?
We didn't speak about sex until I found my first porno mag and then she explained it. We never had a talk about what to expect or how to value my body.
Before I knew it, I was pregnant and married at age sixteen - sure that having sex with this one person for the rest of my life was what I wanted.
I WAS SO WRONG.
Can you identify a moment when you feel you officially entered womanhood?
When I discovered my sexual side ... when I knew what I liked and how I liked it. I think in finally recognising my ability to own and direct my sexual energy I have started to feel like a real grown up woman! Being a mum at age sixteen and always being treated by my family and those around me like I was a child that needed constant guidance stunted my growth in so many ways. Going into my first marriage having been sexually assaulted a handful of times before I hit 14 definitely made me cling onto the first man that was soft and gentle with me.
At age thirty I can finally say that I will not sit back and allow my past trauma to get in the way of my sexuality anymore. I am finally the strong woman I have always waned to be and it's so freeing!
How important do you believe it is to embrace your sexuality as a woman?
SO important. So much time is wasted being afraid of what others might think or how we will be perceived by friends or family. My advice is to be honest with yourself and explore every feeling and every tingle you feel. I have been wasting those opportunities by ignoring them and directing that energy toward less fulfilling activity, like dishes or answering e-mails. What the hell is wrong with me??!! The other night I decided to embrace it and invite my husband into the moment. Needless to say, he was surprised at 1:00 AM when I woke him up by putting his hand in my panties.
How important is self-pleasure to you?
My advice is read your signals and never ignore that little tingle down below! Take advantage of it and go all the way. I think this is often brushed aside and with that comes a lack of understanding about our body and what it takes to get us to the finish line. Exploring yourself and finding your spots only means more pleasure for you and your partner down the road.
What are three things you love about your body (that perhaps you've struggled with in the past)?
My vulva. Oh my vulva ... she has been through so much and has held each of my four children as they've made their way into the world. She's received unwanted abuse and she's moistened the runway when it is so wanted. I'm grateful for her and her expressive labia.
My breasts. Self love has been a topic I have too often ignored. I curse my tiny tits more often than not, but as time passes I fall more in love with the way they lay and the directions they go. I feel sexy when I don't wear a bra, and after weaning I no longer need one.
My eyes. When I am feeling confident and sure my eyes are so beautiful and tell those around me exactly how I feel. Especially during sex. For so long, I have closed them or looked away when contact is attempting to be made, but I think as I process my feelings I become more and more comfortable being me.
What are three things you look for in a lover?
Driven, passionate, and responsive to my body language.
What inspires you to make love and enjoy sex (either alone, or with a partner)?
The feeling of passion and being completely overcome by instincts and the biological drive to mate it out.
Do you feel more inclined to enjoy sex at certain times of the day/month/year?
During my cycle I am most sensitive and I feel everything so much more.
Do you have any particular women in your life who inspire you to be a sexually empowered woman?
Ahem. A Miss Juliet Allen ... definitely out women. Kristen Stewart and Kate McKinnon ... women who speak their truth no matter the consequence. I've learned to be inspired by my own growth as a woman too.
Do you have any reoccurring sexual fantasies?
Yes! Sex with a stranger. No phone numbers, no social media, just one night of pleasure and intense sex and then done. No strings - they just disappear. Man or woman!
What rituals do you have for self-care and self-love?
I take warm baths with drops of lavender and salt - I breathe and sink into the tub. Manicures are my favourite during the week, and taking time to write in peace always grounds me.
How can people connect with you?
Instagram is @littlebirddoula