Women On Top is an interview series that features everyday women from around the globe and asks them straight-to-the-point questions about their sexuality. Women On Top aims to inspire and grow a community of women who learn and grow from each other's sexual stories and wisdom. This week I interviewed Paulina about coming into womanhood in stages, her childhood of sexual abuse and how that impacted her sexuality, and how she learnt to love her thick thighs and love handles.
Sexual orientation: Bisexual
Occupation: Freelance model, Creative Fairy
What was the message your mother gave you about sex as a little girl?
As a little girl my mother taught me so much about drawing, dance and music. Sex was an art she never spoke about to my sisters and I. Although, I do believe that because of the absence of sex education, I constantly looked to fill that void. Unintentionally, my mother taught me sexual curiosity.
Can you identify a moment when you felt you officially entered womanhood?
I have to say, I've never experienced a moment that made me feel like “wow, so this is what it’s like to be a woman”. I remember moments before I lost my virginity I thought I might have a sudden realisation and understanding ... but to be honest, I felt far from a woman. Losing my virginity more so highlighted the fact that there was so much I had to learn.
Every day, week or month that goes by I feel myself entering a new stage of womanhood, stages which are totally tailored to my past experiences and needs. Every time I've cried, laughed, raged and orgasmed, every person I've met, lost, opportunities that have come and gone; they have all shaped me to be this woman. So, for me, womanhood has happened in increments and maybe womanhood began from the moment my mother held me in her arms.
How important do you believe it is to embrace your sexuality as a woman?
My sexuality is a huge part of me that I never quite understood growing up. Sex was a topic I was very curious about as child and I believe it had so much to do with the fact that it was taboo in my household. I was a curious little girl, unfortunately that landed me in the hands of a young boy who took my wonder in exchange for fear and anxiety. As a little girl I was sexually abused for years. I was drained, empty, and my child psyche had been corrupted. Because of this, for the majority of my childhood and early teens, sex was a thought that I often associated with disgust, filth, fear, pain and loneliness.
Through those years, in my little girl mind I’d constantly relive and analyse my past until I finally decided that enough was enough. The abuse had long gone and I wanted to learn to live without fear again. Since then, everyday I strive to take ownership of my body. I've somehow managed to separate that experience from my present. From time to time I’ll notice myself react accordingly to my past. So I continuously remind myself that whatever happened to me then will not control me anymore.
My sexuality is mine to give and flaunt or hide as I wish. Those who deny us women of our rights are fearful of the power of a woman who enjoys her body. In recent years I've allowed myself to be curious again and to fulfil my sexual desires. I've allowed myself to bare it all physically, mentally and emotionally. Owning my sexuality has been a difficult journey but I have never felt as beautiful in the full spectrum of my existence as i do now.
How important is self pleasure to you?
Self pleasure has been the best way to comfortably learn how I prefer to be satisfied. Also, as a single woman who likes to spend a lot of time to herself, I enjoy the convenience.
What are three things you love about your body?
I love my thick thighs, I love my love handles and I love my breasts.
Growing up I was bullied for my big thighs and around the time I was going through puberty my bully would pinch my belly and call me fat.
When I was even younger I would bully myself. My breasts hadn't come in yet, or out I should say. So, of course, oh man haha, I would stuff my shirt with toilet paper. One day my oldest sister actually caught me rolling up the toilet paper and as I was about to stuff my second paper boob, my sister laughs hysterically and pulls the other paper boob out of my shirt. I was horrified and of course envied my sister and her glorious boobs. (lol I remember this way too vividly)
What are three things you look for in a lover?
I look for humour, a sexual drive that is equal to mine and sensibility.
What inspires you to make love and enjoy sex?
Many things inspire me. My life story inspires me to let go and enjoy sex. The idea of closeness and honest, gentle human touch inspires me to make love. More specifically, right before I get my period I tend to be the most aroused. I do have to say though, if I’m already very fond of someone, odds are I'm constantly inspired.
Do you have any particular women in your life who inspire you to be sexually empowered woman?
My friends Becky and Ariene. The way they carry themselves and the way they respect others bodies leads me to believe that they practice self love as well. I believe that your sexuality can’t be empowering unless you love yourself and respect the other sexual beings around you. They are both very powerful women.
What rituals do you have for self care and self love?
Working out does so much for me physically and mentally. When I need to be alone, I love lighting up a couple of candles and playing my favourite tunes while laying in a hot bath. My favourite ritual of all that just makes my heart sing is dressing down into my baggiest PJ's and watching movie marathons all night long with my sisters.
How can people connect with you? Find me on Instagram: @sweetbabypauli