WOMEN ON TOP 025: Sarah Wilder
Women On Top is an interview series that features everyday women from around the globe and asks them straight-to-the-point questions about their sexuality. Women On Top aims to inspire and grow a community of women who learn and grow from each other's sexual stories and wisdom. This week I interviewed Sarah about her bi-curiosity, her love of her boobs, her love of dominance in the boudoir, and the moment she entered womanhood.
Name: Sarah Wilder
I would say I have always been bi-curious. I have entered my 30's as a single woman for the first time since leaving high school (dem 40-year-old virgin feels), and this year I've had the realisation that there is much more fluidity to my sexual preferences. It's more about being attracted to a particular energy rather than a particular sex. One question that has come up recently with my beautifully hilarious and hetero girlfriends was "Would you lick a vagina?" to which I've answered, "yeh, I think so?!!" haha.
Occupation: Creative Director and Boss Goddess at The Fifth Element Life
What was the message your mother gave you about sex as a little girl?
I'm still waiting for the chat or message to be honest ... wonder how it would go down now? "So Sarah, I see you have learnt some things the hard way ... soz about that!!" - but I did come to my own conclusions early on I guess - I remember I found some questionable things in my parents draws as a kid (elephant trunk g-string?!) ... so I guess the message I inadvertently received was "have fun....play....experiment.... and watch out for elephants!".
Can you identify a moment when you feel you officially entered womanhood?
I would say the moment my son was placed up into my arms after birthing him just over 4 years ago. The moment I looked at him for the first time was a real gift. He and I just had this realisation together that this was the birth of both of us, something we will uniquely share forever. That was a proud mama day for me.
How important do you believe it is to embrace your sexuality as a woman?
After emerging from a 12-year relationship (well, 11 years and 11 months on the 11.11!!!), I reclaimed my power as a sexual and sensual woman. I have spent a year of discovering who I am and what I want in all aspects of my life. When you grow up with someone and spend those typically explorative years in your 20's in a long-term relationship, I feel you kind of lose touch with a certain side of yourself that most women get to meet at some point (aka the slut with great stories! ha). Luckily, I've been able to reconnect with my inner Firess (goddess of fire - creation, sexuality and movement) slowly but surely this year. I think it's really important to realise you are more than what your lover wants and needs. We must all take the time to get to know what we desire sexually before we co-create sexual space with others. This has been a big learning and realisation.
How important is self-pleasure to you?
Well, much more important this year than it's ever been haha! But really, I found that after coming out from a relationship I had a bit of a void to fill sexually, so I found some really great resources (one which is all just about self-pleasure > you even can interact with a digital yoni! OMGyes.com, and the other is a great more natural and empowering style porn site called Lust Cinema ... as well as other pleasurable activities like dancing, which has been an art form I've been drawn to and keep coming back to when I'm in need of reconnecting with my sensuality and feminine power.
What are three things you love about your body (that perhaps you've struggled with in the past)?
I love my hands - I was "teased" all through high-school for having such short, fat child-like hands "oh they're so cute!" (this always offended me, and ironically now I'm a jewellery designer, specialising in big rings) but over the years they have co-created and nurtured everything that is good in my life; my baby, my online business, my art, my connection to the world and my relationships. So I am very grateful to have them. They are strong, expressive and work hard, and you know what, fuck, they ARE really cute. Do I sometimes wish they were like long beautiful spiders? Yes. But I've come to love and accept them none the less.
I love my boobs. - I've always had a big bust, which made me quite uncomfortable in my teens and thought they really over-sexualised me when I didn't want to be seen that way (never really felt like the 'sexy girl'). Once I had my son though, I really grew to love these bad gals. I put them through the ringer over the two years I breastfed - One of my nipples literally split wide open in the early days ( but, being the determined and lazy earth mama I am - I persevered) and I have thanked those milk factories for those thousands of feeds I didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to prepare. I also thanked them for all the kilos I dropped without having to leave the couch. What a gift. Now, they are kinda deflated, saggy and one is bigger than the other (I read "old socks with a few coins tossed in the bottom" as a breastfeeding boob reference the other day and nearly died laughing and relating) but I haven't loved them more than I do now. They are currently enjoying some respite, free of underwire and any major attention.
I love my hips - (They don't lie, after all) My hips tell some great stories like "I'm so good at supporting your healthy growing baby!" and "watch me while I school you on the dance floor". But honestly, they are pretty great. They are curvy, sexy and make me feel super feminine on the outside (while on the inside I default to a 19-year-old boy). They move in circles when I dance and help me feel my most sexy and feminine when they are in motion.
What are three things you look for in a lover?
Trust. I'm fairly unfamiliar to the single and dating game compared to most 30-year-olds (it's pretty hilarious how clue-less I am, really!), but even I know I'm not that interested in one night stands or random hook-ups, as this is not really something that turns me on. I think intimacy and trust is super important, because I guess my yoniverse is super important. I'm quite introverted and so to get me out from my controlled environment, I have to trust they will respect me, my body and my spirit and trust me with theirs in return.
Connection. Being able to feel the person being present with me is super important. There is nothing worse than sharing a sexual experience with someone who is elsewhere (obviously not physically, ha!). I crave connection now in ALL that I do. In everyone and thing I LOVE. If we don't connect, we don't share the common love, and that does not make a good lover!
Fluidity and freedom. I love to be able to change my views, my opinions, my interests, my passions over time and to have that mirrored to me in a lover. Someone who is open and more about feeding off each others energy rather than having a set agenda or rigid view of sexual self-expression.
(I'm breaking the rules and adding a 4th!)
Dominance. Now, not necessarily in the stereotypical kinda way. But I do love someone who takes charge in the bedroom. I feel for me, as a pretty powerful, assertive business woman and single mum, I'm constantly having to make decisions and spend ALOT of time in my masculine - so I think for me, I'm craving a lover who can give me a good throw down and just take charge and lead the way, respectfully, of course, allowing me to get right into my feminine, surrender and nourish my spirit. (Honestly - How hot is a good old-fashioned throw down though?!)
What inspires you to make love and enjoy sex (either alone, or with a partner)? Do you feel more inclined to enjoy sex at certain times of the day/month/year?
I do feel sexual energy is quite cyclical for me. There will be periods where I don't feel sexually expressive or interested, and others where it's just all I exude. I feel if I really did follow this energy consciously that I would find I'm synced up with the lunar cycles and possible zodiac influences (as would most of us). I feel particularly aroused during the full and new moons, obviously around ovulation but also just before or during my moon time. I put this down to just being tapped into the general tidal energies in the aether that we are all connected to ... so it's just like waves of energy come crashing down, and how we expel it creatively is up to us!
Do you have any particular women in your life who inspire you to be a sexually empowered woman?
I have some pretty amazing women in my life who I can talk openly with about sex. There is no stone unturned when in comes to sexual empowerment in my girlgang which is totally refreshing and reassuring and IMPORTANT. I also am LOVING the resurgence of sexually empowered women, like yourself, that I am finding more and more on my social media spaces. I think this is the key to equality amongst the sexes, actually. It honestly shouldn't be taboo anymore. One particular woman who inspires me creatively is musician/dancer FKA Twigs. I fucking love her. I just see so much of her soul in her work, which is refreshing in a culture full of fakes, carbon copies and honestly, yawn c*nts. She is such a sexually empowered woman - and just has this magical aura about her. She owns and celebrates her quirks, her vulnerability, her spirituality, she knows her strengths and weaknesses and just fucking makes interesting art, with or without fear.
Do you have any reoccurring sexual fantasies? Tell us more:
Probably of being with a woman. I LOVE the female form and just think women are so amazing, so it makes sense I would feel called to explore this further! Also, if we are talking fantasies.... I would love to have (amazing) sex with Brandon Boyd, lead singer of Incubus. (I recon he would give a good throw down, too!). *sorrynotsorrybrandon*
What rituals do you have for self-care and self-love?
This year I've definitely taken things slower and looked after myself more. I've allowed myself to do nothing. To retreat. To party. To dance. To put myself out there. To wear my heart on my sleeve. To embarrass myself. To explore new interests. To learn more about my sexual interests. To stare at women and men, alike. To do shit "Sarah wouldn't do". To sleep in. To binge watch TV. To say no. To be a flaky friend. To be a selfish mum. To spend money on myself. To invest in my health and wellbeing. To go on spontaneous trips. To leave the housework for another day. To just be. This year has been the greatest gift and biggest teacher to me. It's been tough but so so worth it.
How can people connect with you? IG? FB? Website?