5 Things I Don’t Do as a Sexologist
After 15 years working in sexuality and relationships - and exploring deeply in my own life as a lover - these are five things I’ve consciously chosen not to do.
Let’s be honest, there are plenty of assumptions about what a sexologist’s sex life must look like. People imagine I’m constantly trying new things, having sex every day, collecting toys and pushing the boundaries of what’s possible in the bedroom.
But the longer I’ve worked in this field - and the more deeply I’ve come to know my own body - the less interested I’ve become in doing what looks sexually liberated from the outside.
I’m far more interested in what feels true as a woman.
For me in this season of my life, sexuality isn’t about collecting new experiences, open-mindedness or proving how adventurous I am. It’s about presence. Discernment. True, deep intimacy. It’s about being honest about what genuinely creates connection and pleasure - and what doesn’t.
So, after 15 years of working as a sexologist, here are five things I choose not to do.
1. I don’t use vibrators
I used to own a lot of them.
Over time, though, I noticed that when I used a vibrator, I often rushed towards orgasm rather than remaining present with my body and my pleasure. The intensity made it easy to focus on the destination - and although I might climax quickly, I often felt strangely dissatisfied afterwards.
I also noticed that the more intense stimulation I used, the more intensity my body began to expect. That was my personal experience, and it made me curious about what I was missing when pleasure became something to achieve as efficiently and quickly as possible.
These days, I prefer my hands, my breath, slow touch and The Juliet Pleasure Wand™. I love feeling every subtle sensation. I love allowing arousal to build gradually, without needing to rush anywhere. I love listening to my body rather than overriding it with intensity.
This isn’t me saying vibrators are inherently bad or that nobody should use them. They can be pleasurable, supportive and incredibly useful for many people. I simply don’t want them to be part of my own sexual practice anymore.
I want pleasure that brings me more deeply into my body - not pleasure that helps me leave it.
2. I don’t do polyamory
I’ve explored polyamory, and it isn’t for me.
I’m deeply devoted to monogamy with my beautiful man. I love the depth, safety and intimacy that can grow when two people choose one another - not just once, but repeatedly, over many years.
There is a cultural story that monogamy inevitably becomes boring, while non-monogamy is more exciting, evolved or sexually liberated. That hasn’t been my experience.
To me, monogamy is not passive. It asks us to keep meeting one another as we change. It asks us to have uncomfortable conversations, reveal more of ourselves, work through ruptures and resist the temptation to take each other for granted. It asks us to keep creating aliveness inside the relationship rather than assuming it will happen on its own.
There is still so much for my fiancé and me to discover about each other. The longer we’re together, the more history we share, the more trust we build and the deeper our intimacy can become.
Monogamy is never boring to me. It is an ongoing opportunity to connect, grow and continually choose devotion to love.
3. I don’t believe more sex equals a better relationship
We place far too much importance on frequency.
Couples compare themselves with friends, statistics, podcasts and whatever number they’ve decided represents a “healthy” relationship. When they aren’t having sex often enough, they assume something must be wrong.
But frequency tells me very little about the quality of a couple’s sex life.
You can have sex three times a week and feel completely disconnected. Sex can become habitual, performative or another task to tick off the list. You can be physically close while feeling emotionally miles apart.
You can also have sex less frequently and still feel deeply intimate, desired and connected. There may be affection, erotic energy, honest communication, sensual touch and a genuine sense of being chosen - even during seasons when sex happens less often.
What matters to me is not simply how often a couple has sex, but how their sexual connection actually feels. Are both people present? Is there genuine desire rather than obligation? Do they feel safe enough to communicate? Is the sex nourishing? Do they feel closer afterwards?
Those questions reveal far more than a number ever will.
Quality over quantity, any day.
4. I don’t believe low libido is always a problem that needs fixing
Low desire is so often treated as a personal failure - particularly for women.
We’re told to boost it, hack it, supplement it or somehow become the version of ourselves who wants sex more often. But sometimes low libido isn’t the problem. Sometimes it’s information.
Your desire may be responding to stress, exhaustion, resentment, hormonal changes, motherhood, pain, disconnection or the particular season of life you’re moving through. Your body may not be broken. It may be communicating something important.
So, rather than immediately asking, “How do I fix my libido?” I think there are more useful questions to begin with:
What is my body asking for?
Do I feel emotionally connected to my partner?
Am I exhausted, overwhelmed or carrying too much?
Is the sex available to me actually the kind of sex I want?
Do I feel safe enough to soften, receive and become aroused?
Of course, a persistent or distressing change in desire can be worth exploring with an appropriately qualified health professional. But libido is not a machine that should operate at the same level every day of your life.
Desire changes. Bodies change. Relationships change. Life changes.
Curiosity will often take you further than judgement.
5. I don’t believe hookup culture has liberated women in the way we were promised
I’m all for sexual freedom, agency and choice.
But I question the idea that liberation means being able to have sex without attachment, vulnerability or emotional consequence - and that the more casually we can approach sex, the more empowered we must be.
For many women, sex is deeply intimate. It can create attachment, expose vulnerability and stir emotions that don’t disappear simply because an encounter was labelled casual.
Wanting tenderness, trust or emotional connection does not make a woman needy. Wanting commitment does not make her prudish. Deciding that casual sex doesn’t feel good in her body does not make her less sexually liberated.
I think many women have been encouraged to override their emotional truth in order to appear easygoing, unattached or sexually progressive. They may agree to an arrangement their mind can rationalise while their body is asking for something entirely different.
This isn’t a judgement of women who genuinely enjoy casual sex. It’s an invitation for every woman to be radically honest with herself.
Does this experience actually feel freeing to me?
Or am I performing somebody else’s idea of freedom?
What sexual liberation means to me
Sexual liberation has never been about doing more, being more adventurous or proving how sexually “open” you are. It’s about knowing yourself deeply enough to recognise what you genuinely desire - and what you don’t.
It’s being able to hear the difference between an authentic yes and a yes shaped by pressure, performance or the fear of disappointing someone.
It’s trusting that you don’t have to enjoy what everyone else seems to enjoy. You don’t have to want more sex. You don’t have to use certain toys, follow a particular relationship model or separate sex from emotion in order to be empowered.
You’re allowed to choose slowness. Depth. Devotion. Emotional intimacy. Less sex. Different sex. No sex for a while. You’re allowed to change your mind as you change.
Real sexual freedom is not about following a new set of rules dressed up as liberation. It is having the self-knowledge, freedom and confidence to choose what feels aligned for you - again and again, on a daily basis.
And sometimes, the most sexually liberated thing you can say is simply: that isn’t for me.
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*Please read shipping and returns policy HERE before placing your order. Please note, any customs and/or import tax payable on goods when they arrive at the destination are the responsibility of the customer.All sales are final.
Disclaimer (for U.S. Customers):
All Pleasure Wand orders shipped to the United States will incur animport tax (the amount differs from state to state), payable directly to DHL before your order can be delivered. DHL will contact you with payment instructions.
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The smooth, polished curve allows for both precise stimulation and broad, sweeping sensations, perfect for discovering what feels best for you & giving you wonderful energy releases - leaving you with sensations of empowerment and a deeper connection to your body and your womb.
Au Naturel
Never fake an orgasm again, with our 100% natural Rose Quartz Curve Wand.
Skip the synthetics – this beauty is pure earth-given goodness.
Each wand is hand-polished from 100% natural Rose Quartz, cleansed and charged with sun and moon energy. Think of it as nature’s natural answer to pleasure, minus the plastic and toxic ingredients. Just pure, crystalline perfection, ready for play.
*Please read shipping and returns policy HERE before placing your order. Please note, any customs and/or import tax payable on goods when they arrive at the destination are the responsibility of the customer. All sales are final.
Disclaimer (for U.S. Customers):
All Pleasure Wand orders shipped to the United States will incur an import tax (the amount differs from state to state), payable directly to DHL before your order can be delivered. DHL will contact you with payment instructions.
WE SHIP GLOBALLY!. *FREE AUSTRALIA WIDE!
Please note: All pricing on this website is in US Dollars.