Rough Sex 101

During sex, the body’s energy may become stagnant, heavy, or stuck. Biting, slapping and pinching can be used to stimulate energy in the nervous system and rouse a listless or sluggish body into more energetic ecstasy. Sometimes a little bit of pain, skilfully and lovingly administered, can greatly increase pleasure. Use this means freely, with real love and careful sensitivity. These techniques are simply aspects of creative sexual loving and should be used equally by men and women.
— David Deida, The Enlightened Sex Manual

Is my desire for ‘rough sex’ bad? Should my partner and I stop having rough sex? These questions, and so many more, are thought about daily by millions of people. So, what’s the big deal with rough sex? Is it ok to enjoy it? Is it 'normal'? The answer is, yes, yes and yes! 

My belief as a sexologist and sex-enthusiast is that ‘rough sex’ is an individual choice and something that some people enjoy, and some people don’t. Rough sex can be anything from a spank on the butt, to a light pull of the hair, to being tied up and slapped in the face with a penis ... the list goes on. Rough sex, like any other sex, includes all sorts of things and it’s up to us as individuals to choose what we do and don’t want to explore.

A lot of my coaching clients express that they're curious, but don’t know where to start or how to bring up the topic with their lovers. I suggest communicating to your sexual partner that you’re interested in exploring this side of sex. Sometimes it can be a little nerve racking asking for what you want, but you may find that your partner is instantly turned on by the idea (you may also find that they freak out and say no). Either way, you have to respect their choice and also congratulate yourself for honouring your desire and requesting that from your lover. If they say yes, then get to it! If they say no, then the ball is back in your court and you need to decide if you still want to continue being with them if they don't want to explore this side of sex.

Don’t like the sound of rough sex? That’s ok too! Seriously, anything to do with sex is personal and the most important thing to remember is that we have to choose sexual partners who respect us for who we are and what we enjoy. You may find that you end up with a partner who asks if it’s ok to spank you … if you’re up for it, woohoo! If not, say a big fat NO and mean it. Consent and communicating boundaries is the key to great sex. Never do anything if it doesn’t feel right for you and don’t continue sleeping with someone if they don’t respect your boundaries!

Happy spanking!

This article was originally published on Talk Tabu in September 2016

Partner SexJuliet Allen