Torn Between Two Genders: Why Bisexuality Is Threatening My Relationship

“I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You’d be daft not to try both when there are so many different flavours. ”

— Bjork

I’ve been in a committed relationship with my beautiful fiancée for 4 years. When we met and began dating I never expected us to one-day be engaged to marry… and yet here I am, planning a lifetime together with another woman.

From the outside, our relationship appears to be a magical gay fairytale: two beautiful women fall in love and live happily-ever-after with daughter and dog. In reality, it’s not always that straight-forward, in fact our relationship goes through major ups and downs, just like any other couple.

Before I get carried away writing about my intense drama-filled love story, allow me to talk about the elephant in the room: my bisexuality. Being bisexual is fun, right? According to the general public I have ‘double the opportunities’ and ‘endless sexual experiences’ at my fingertips. I guess in my early 20’s this was almost the case… it was fun and games, plus identifying as ‘bisexual’ made me stand out from the crowd. Now, however, the fun and excitement is on stand-still, and being bisexual is pissing me off.

You see, I love sex with women and men. And I love sex with men so much, that I’m not sure I am able to commit to a lifetime of sex with my lesbian wife-to-be. As you can imagine, this predicament is causing havoc in my relationship. Don’t get me wrong, sex with my fiancé is f*cking amazing and downright life-changing…yet I just don’t know if it’s enough. It saddens me writing this, because I know how much hurt this causes, yet I can’t hide from the truth.

The truth is that I’m a sexual woman, and I want the best of both worlds. Call me greedy, but enjoying and desiring sex with both women and men isn’t a crime, and I don’t quite know how to commit to one, and not miss out on the other. Yes, we use dildos and strap-ons and all sorts… yet it’s just not the same feeling as heterosexual sex. In fact it’s incomparable, both sexual experiences offer such different things and are so beautifully unique in their own way.

The challenge I face is that I don’t want to end my relationship because of this one factor… we are in a strong, powerful relationship that has withheld so much diversity and is full of so much love. So, what to do? Is there a solution to this relationship dilemma? Perhaps there isn't one ‘right’ answer, but I know we are communicating with a deep respect for one another, which is a great start and is the key to a great relationship.

Some of the questions we are currently pondering as a couple are: should we bring a man into the relationship? Should we have a one-off threesome with a man? Should we open the relationship? Or should we just end it all? Or should I just suck it up and accept that I can't always have my cake and eat it too? This situation is really f*cking hard because love is so intense, and I don’t want to up and go just so I can go be with a penis.

Reality is, I’m not the first person whose relationship is feeling threatened by bisexuality. We’re all human, and many of us are fighting the same battles. I believe the lesson we can all learn from this situation is that love is intense, often confronting, and sexuality is complex. But with patience, understanding and communication we can move through these challenges and grow as sexual beings.

The Universe presents us all with ups and downs so that we can grow and expand…I believe I am strong enough to move through this challenge and come out the other side as a stronger, wiser woman. I know I don’t have all the answers, and I certainly don’t have my relationship figured out to perfection…but what I know is that I am open to the journey and adventure that is unfolding, and this year I encourage everyone reading this to be open to new possibilities, and to live your truth.

Stay Tuned.

Juliet x