Communication 101: How To Ask For What You Want With New Lovers

 
 

We’ve all been through the first few days with a new lover … or even the first few hours when you are yet to spend time 1:1 and not sure how the first ‘date’ will go down. Often there’s a few nerves and uncertainty that comes up; What if there’s no chemistry? What if he/she doesn’t look like their Tinder profile pic?! What if they’re just in it for sex? Or if they’re looking for a threesome but haven’t communicated that? Or if they just want to be friends and the vibe is shit? Ohhhhhh the list of dreary possibilities can be endless. But I encourage you to drop all the silly worrying and trust that no matter what, this person has appeared in your life for a reason.

Imagine a dating world where you get to skip all the nerves, question marks and anxious uncertainty, and instead clearly communicate exactly what you’re seeking with a new lover from the moment they come into your life. And I mean communicate it prior to meeting, being super clear about what you want, desire and need. Sounds upfront, but it works ... trust me.

Here’s a couple of hot tips on how to communicate and get what you want when meeting someone for the first time:

Firstly, ask yourself ‘What the hell do I want?

Reality is, if you don’t know what you’re seeking, then you won’t know how to ask for it in the first place. So get really clear on what you do want. Do you want casual sex? Do you want several lovers? Are you seeking a long-term monogamous relationship? Do you want to explore polyamory? Do you want to date men, women, or both? When you’re clear about what you want, the Universe will deliver it to you, plus you can then be clear with the people you are about to date.

Don’t be afraid to be super honest and upfront

Seriously, you have nothing to lose by communicating clearly and asking for what you desire. We all love a man/woman who is certain about who they are and what they desire, and it’s sexy if they have the courage to ask for that. So, if it’s just casual sex you’re after, say that. Or if you want to get to know the person first by spending a few dates with them, tell them that. If they reject your request, then they’re not the right person for you. Seriously, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Confidence is sexy, own your honesty!

If you jump into bed together on the first date, don’t be afraid to tell them how you like it

You just cannot assume that two strangers will meet up and miraculously know how to pleasure each other on the first night. So, if you go on a date and decide ‘Yep, I’m having sex with them tonight’, then be prepared to give the gentle guidance and feedback in the boudoir. Ie. ‘I really love giving massage, would you be open to that?’ or show them what you like by guiding them … i.e.. you love a firm grip on your neck, so gently get their hand and put it on your throat, showing them exactly where you want them to place a firm hold. There's absolutely no harm in showing them and asking them for what you want. 

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DatingJuliet Allen